The Villaj Idiut: Trash compact

I feel like somebody convened the Grand Meeting of the Great Parking Space Debate, and somehow my invitation got lost in the mail.

Otherwise, I’m sure I’d have a full understanding of why every parking space in the state of California was designed to fit one half of a Smart Car – and I’m not even sure which half.

Seriously, didn’t the people who made the decisions at this meeting know that we are a Super Size Society? According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 75 percent of American men are obese or overweight, and 60 percent of American women are obese or overweight.

Which means, of course, that the people driving these cars would barely fit into the parking space, much less the family truckster – its floor riddled with McDonald’s wrappers and Chips Ahoy baggies, its seats stained with barbecue sauce and old pieces of gum stuck to the seat belts – spewing forth fumes trying to drag them around.

And yet, you pull into a parking structure and all you see on the ground is the word “compact.” At first, I thought the stores were having a sale on the word “compact” and that was their way of advertising it. But then I realized that the entire parking structure was for compact cars, and I had to go ask the security guard where the parking structure was with spaces for Big Bad Ass Gas Guzzling Cars. He said he didn’t know; of course, he was tooling around in a golf cart, so he had an excuse.

One question I have seems pretty fundamental, I guess, but if they are not really going to police whether a compact car is in a compact space, then why even put “compact” on the space?

For instance, if you park in a handicap spot and are not disabled, they’ll slap you with a ticket. If you are an 18-wheeler and you park in a compact space, nobody comes along and says a word. What’s the point, then? Seems like a big waste of paint to me.

As an aside, I’m sure everybody who reads this is going to think I should be drawn and quartered, but somebody has to pose these questions. Since when did parking in a handicap space become the second-worst crime on the planet?

I’m not advocating, of course, for parking in a handicap space. I love handicap spaces. Nobody on Earth loves handicap spaces more than I do. I’m just saying, seems like the punishment doesn’t fit the crime.

I’ve seen a non-disabled person park in a handicap space, and literally every person sitting in their car in a compact space gets out of their cars and starts hissing at them and jeering. They snap pictures with their phones. It’s a public shaming like I haven’t seen since the Salem Witch trials. Meanwhile, Elizabeth Holmes walks across the parking lot and people ask for her autograph. It’s crazy to me.

But not as crazy as whoever approved the notion of cramming so many small parking spots in an already confined area.

And you know how you make one decision and you don’t realize the far-reaching impacts of that decision? Well, this unforeseen consequence is the door-ding epidemic.

It is literally impossible to park in one of these spots, try to open your door and not crack the car next to you. And that’s with a conscientious adult. Imagine the three kids in the back seat, all playing Fortnite on their phones, as they unknowingly whip open the back door and bludgeon the cars on either side of you.

I love the person, too, who comes back to his car and immediately runs his hand up and down the side of his rig, looking perplexed and searching for the perpetrator of the door dings he’s sure are there.

Hey, Bro, you don’t want any door dings? Run on up to the top floor of the structure and park across three spots like all of the other Ferrari owners.

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